Story: Mr. Hare Imitates Mr. Bear
Book: At the Big House where Aunt Nancy and Aunt ‘Phrony Held Forth on the Animal Folks
Author(s): Anne Culbertson
Published: 1904
Internet Archive link.

Notes: I have removed the eye-dialect, along with editing for punctuation and paragraphing. In the book, each storytelling scene is framed and narrated in literary English, with the storyteller, Aunt ‘Phroney, speaking in dialect; I removed that framing and added a “this is the end of the story” sentence there at the end.

Mister Hare Dines with Mister Bear

In the old times the Hare was the best known of the critters and the biggest man of all, and this how come so: he have the gift of mimickin’ anybody and everybody, and he go round ‘mongst the humans lettin’ on he’s this person and that person and another person and doin’ all sorts of harm and makin’ all kinds of mischief that a-way. At last the people git tired of it and they say they ain’t gonna stand it no longer, so they get up a big hunt and chase him clean out of that country. Then he go ‘way off to another place where they ain’t know him, and set out to bamboozle the critters same as he been doin’ with the humans, makin’ out he’s first one thing and then another and mimickin’ everything he see folks do or hear ’em say. There was one time when them smarty ways come nigh being the death of him, and that what I gonna tell you ’bout.

One day he was goin’ down the road, jiggitty-jig, with one ear turned to the back and one to the front so’s that he can’t miss shearing everything that go on. When all at once he seed Mister Growly Grumble-Bear comin’ and lookin’ mighty big and important. Hare ain’t never met up with him before and he feel kind of dubious about him, so he scrouch down by the side of the road in the hopes Mister Bear ain’t gonna notice him. But Bear he whirl his eye ’round and catch sight of him and he stop and look down at him out of the corner of his eye, like Hare so small he scarcely can see him, and then he say, “Souls and bodies! Who this little fellow skulkin’ here by the side of the road? Is I ever see you before? I can’t seem to remember it, but then I done knowed so many critters in my time that you can’t expect me to weight down my mind with ’em all. Course they all remembers me; they can’t help doin’ that, I reckon, but they musn’t get hurted in their feelin’s if I can’t carry ’em all on my mind.”

Hare bound to make hisself ‘greeable if he can, so he say, “Naw, sir, I ain’t never have the good luck to meet up with you before, but if I had, I couldn’t expect a sure-enough gentleman like you is to remember no such trash as what I is. I been hearing this long time that you is the biggest man ’round these parts, and I has been mightily set on making your acquaintance.”

Bear was right pleased with that sort of talkin’ and he asked Hare to walk along with him awhiles so they can git acquainted. Hare go sidlin’ along with him, trying to take big steps like him, mighty afeared them big feet gonna tromple on him, but bowin’ and scrapin’ and sayin’ “Yes, sir! Just so, sir! I believe you, sir!” until Mister Growly Grumble-Bear think he’s Big-Man for sure. And that’s the way to get on with folks, just you sing small and let them carry the heft of the tune. Old man Bear get more and more important and go along puffin’ out his chest and layin’ down the law with one paw slapped on the other until they get to his house.

Bear done make up his mind by that time that Hare was the best company he met up with in a long time, so he invite him to come in and have some dinner. Hare say he ain’t care if he do, and he go and set down by the fire while Mister Growly Grumble stir ’round ‘mongst the pots and kettles. All the time dinner was cooking, old Hare was just alayin’ it onto Mister Bear with his flattersome talk. Says he, “Well, you certainly is a cook from ‘way back. I couldn’t have believe such a big man as what you is could be so handy if I ain’t see it for myself.”

There was a pot of peas on boilin’ and Bear look ’round on all the shelfs for some fat to put in with ’em, but there weren’t none there. Then he tooken out a knife and sharp it up a little, and old man Hare’s heart jump up in his mouth when he see that. “Name a-gracious!” says he to hisself, “let me get out of this! Appears to me he gettin’ ready to carve me up for dinner. Just my luck: instead of gettin’ something to eat, I’s gonna get et myself.”

But Bear weren’t studyin’ ’bout Hare. He just walk up to the pot and cut a little gash in his neck and let the grease run into the peas. It ain’t hurt him at all, ’cause the bears gets mighty fat in the fall off of the mast what drops from the trees. They just stuffs themselves then so’s they can sleep all through the winter without wakin’ up to get something to eat — lives off they own fat, they does, all through the cold weather. Well, Bear’s fat was so monstrous thick just then that he ain’t feel the cut, and he go along gettin’ the dinner as if he ain’t even got a scratch on him.

Old Hare was mightily pleased and clap his hands and kick his heels on the chair rungs, and make great admiration. He say it was the handiest arrangement he ever see, to carry your bacon ’round with you in your own hide, and he allow to himself, right then and there, that he gonna do the same thing or bust.

Then they drawed up chairs and sat down to the table, and Mister Hare commence goin’ on ’bout the dinner. He say, “You must excuse me if I ask for another helpin’ of them peas. I like to look after my manners, but your cookin’ indeed done drove ’em clean out of my mind. Your fat got a flavor to it that suit my taste prezactly, indeed it have.” He run on that a-way, and all the time he was just a-honin’ to try the same trick hisself, so at last he tell Mister Bear he gonna give a dinin’ next day and he ask him will he come ’round and help destroy some vittles. He say he got a nice mess of peas he gonna treat him with but, bless your soul, the peas was right that minute in his neighborfolks’ gardens. Bear he say he come if nothing hinder, and Hare go kitin’ back to steal the peas for the dinin’.

Next day Hare go out to meet Mister Bear and bringed him in and fetched a chair and give him a pipe. He go cavorting’ ’round the room like he’s on springs, showin’ off what a spry, handy man he was. He get the peas on boilin’ and then he look ’round in the cupboard for the fat. At last he say, “Well, I’ll be snickered if I ain’t forget the fat for them peas. Now what I gonna do? Can’t give you old poor-trash vittles without no grease in ’em.”

With that he ups and takes a knife and walks over to the pot and cuts a little gash in his neck. Lo beholdst you: nary a smidgin of grease drop out but, mercy me, how the blood done spurt all over the hearth; just a little more and he’d’ve been a goner if Mister Bear ain’t been there to bind him up and doctor him afterwards. Bear was a right smart of a doctor in them days, for he spend so much time in the laurel that he know all about herbs and such as that.

When Hare was on his footses again, goin’ ’round the house mighty limp and low-down-in-the-valley, Mister Bear give him a sure-enough tongue-lashin’. Says he, “You might’ve knowed they weren’t no grease in a miserable lean critter like you is. Here I is, all fat up for the winter; that the time when I got to lay ’round and snooze and have no chance to pick up vittles. But you is on the go, keeping the path hot from year’s end to year’s end. I like to know how you expects to lay up fat? What make you think anyhows that you can do the same as me, you poor little knee-high-to-a-hopper-grass? Um-umph! What sort of world this here be if all mens can do the same things? You best go ‘long now and tend to your own business and set this down in your remembrance, that there ain’t no person make more mistakes and get more laugh at than the man what tries to be other folks instead of bein’ hisself. You hear me talkin’, Hare, do you?”

And that’s the end of the story.

Woolly hare at Wikimedia. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Woolly_Hare_at_Polakongka_La,_Ladakh,_India.jpg